Graduation Situation

So, this weekend was a big graduation weekend for many schools across the country. In the windows of cake stores (and by cake stores, I mean that section I walk by in Walmart that makes me want to buy a cookie cake ‘just because’) you’re probably seeing a lot of graduation-themed cakes. Yes, ‘tis the season for diving into a horrendous job market… And ‘tis the season for sitting in a huge room listening to inane speeches about the next steps of your life. Which is how I spent my Saturday morning.

As avid readers (all one of you!) know, I’ve been sick this past week. I do not sleep well when sick, and despite wanting to spend all my time in bed in a coma induced by Nyquil, I find myself doing things like mowing the lawn without provocation, because why? (I actually mowed the lawn while at the worst of my sickness—what’s wrong with me?) I also tend to stay up late as it is, and have had a particularly hard time sleeping this week, so when Saturday rolled around, I had plans to be in a coma. See “Nyquil” above.

My lovely wife, Bishopette, had other plans. It’s not her fault, it’s a family event kinda thing, but I had to go to my brother-in-law’s fiancée’s graduation. Writing that sentence reminded me that were it not for marriage, I would have no idea who this person was, and would never have had to go to her graduation at EIGHT A-FREAKING-M. Seriously, who plans graduations? Shady Acres Retirement Village? Saturday is a wide open day, most everyone on the planet can attend things at eight, nine, ten, even noon. Let me sleep, higher education!

I’ve been to a few graduations, including my own, and I know what they entail for the most part. So, as you can guess, I brought my Nintendo 3DS. My wife didn’t mind, one of the earmarks of why I married her, and in fact brought a book for herself to read (which now reminds me I really should have brought a book, read a little, became a better writer through it… but the monsters in Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate are not going to slay themselves). As we sat, listening to a keynote speaker talk about… something…  I was fighting a Lagiacrus, scourge of the seas. This great water serpent and I were in mortal combat, and the middle aged woman next to me seemed none too pleased with her seating arrangement. Every few moments, I’d hear the speaker say… something… and then she would say, “Ooh,” like it was the most poignant or moving grouping of words she had ever heard. Clearly, she was the speaker’s groupie.

As the day went on (by GOD did it go ON AND ON), she continued to “ooh” and “ah” EVERY FREAKING SPEAKER that went up there, and there were a lot of them. Yes. I get it, it’s sweet that he built a school for disadvantaged youths, but I am trying to concentrate on quelling a great monster of the seas here! All while I was swinging my great sword, she would casually look in my direction (I never actually looked at her face, as Larry the Lagiacrus was still breathing) and give an “Ugh” of disdain in the fact that I was entertaining myself rather than losing three hours of my life to speeches about… something…

This middle-aged woman (let’s call her Helen!) never actually said anything to me directly, but with each of Helen’s condescending grunts of displeasure, I felt more assured in who I was. I was reminded that even though I had already graduated from an institute of higher learning, had a stable job and a wife, and generally began to feel my youth slipping away… I would never be a Helen. It’s my goal in life to one day be forced to go to a graduation for my brother’s grandchildren (I’m not having children of my own—they’d cut into my monster hunting time) and I will bring my 3DS. I’ll sit next to someone my own age, a future Helen, and pop that thing out and mutter curses under my breath while Son of Lagiacrus (Louis the Lagiacrus!) attempts to murder my hunter. I’ll receive a mindful helping of “ughs” and other snorts of derision, but it will all be worth it as I know that in some small part, thanks to video games… I’ll always be a child.

Bishop